Murphy's Law for Elves
by arabiasil
Summary: Murphy's Law isn't just for humans anymore. A little sage advice for our elven friends, especially a certain elf lord and a golden haired archer.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All Tolkien's and Murphy's stuff is theirs. I'm just borrowing it for a while. This is what happens when a Texan has wayyy too much time on her hands. God Bless.  
  
Arabiasil  
  
Murphy's Law for Elves – Part I  
  
By Arabiasil  
  
That "deserted orc camp" will only be deserted long enough for you to walk to the middle alone.  
  
You will always have one arrow left just as you are being charged by two orcs.  
  
The weight of the deer you shoot is always directly proportional to the distance from camp.  
  
If you run out of arrows and have to use your bow for a weapon you will usually hit other elves more than the orcs you are swinging at.  
  
Arrows work on seasoned warriors too. They also work on orcs, wargs, wild men, evil wizards, the occasional rookie elven warrior and others who consider themselves "bulletproof."  
  
When you are a lone elf and you spot a large contingent of orcs remember; whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.  
  
Wargs don't see an elf lord as a person of authority; they see lunch.  
  
When working high in the trees, the weapon you drop will always land to do the most damage to the weapon.  
  
If you drop a valuable object from the treetops it will always land in a place impossible to get to.  
  
Dwarves have no sense of humor about accidental shots.  
  
There is always an easy way back to Imladris. However, it is usually blocked by a very large, hacked off warg who hasn't eaten in a week.  
  
Falling trees and angry elf lords have the right of way.  
  
When dealing with humans try to look important. They may find someone else to pose that stupid question to.  
  
Never worry about that falling tree branch with your name on it. Worry about the huge oak tree addressed "To whom it may concern."  
  
A clean tunic is a magnet for mud and orc blood.  
  
The force you use in a blow to stop an intruder in the dark will be directly proportional to the rank of the elf you just hit.  
  
The force you use in a blow to stop an intruder in the dark will be directly proportional to the quality of the supper prepared by the cook you just hit.  
  
Dwarves don't make the same mistake twice; they make it three, four or five times.  
  
In war, the authority of a warrior is directly proportional to the number of arrows he is carrying.  
  
Never challenge a balrog to hand to hand combat. You're immortal, not indestructible.  
  
It's no disgrace to be captured by orc, but it's awfully inconvenient.  
  
The sturdiness of an object is inversely proportional to how useful it is.  
  
If the human says, "All you have to do is..." you know you're in trouble.  
  
If the human comes running up to you and says, "It wasn't my fault but..." you know you're in trouble.  
  
When the dwarf makes you a weapon and then says, "it's perfect except..." you know you are going to have to redo the whole piece.  
  
A dwarf's willingness to do something will be inversely proportional to A) the need for it to be done. B) the number of elves who are relying on them to do it.  
  
You are not invincible. Elf lords and fledgling archers take note.  
  
During a battle, try to look unimportant. The orcs may be low on ammunition and decide not to waste an arrow on you.  
  
An arrow in the chest is nature's way of telling you to slow down  
  
If your attack is going really well, it's probably an ambush.  
  
Never go on patrol with anyone crazier than you are. 


	2. Murphy's Law for Elves Part II

Disclaimer: Hi, it's me again. Hope you enjoy this. This is really fun to write and I am thinking about doing several series on the different people of Middle Earth, I might even do one for Bill the Pony. Many thanks for all the kind words. I really appreciate the nice reviews. Thanks again. As usual, all of Tolkien's and Murphy's stuff is theirs; I'm just borrowing it for my own amusement. God Bless.  
  
Murphy's Law for Elves Part II  
  
by Arabiasil  
  
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back to regroup; or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush.  
  
Companionship is essential, it gives the orcs someone else to shoot at.  
  
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.  
  
Incoming arrows have the right of way.  
  
The easy way is always an ambush.  
  
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. This will drastically reduce your chances for a promotion.  
  
Archer's motto: reach out and touch someone.  
  
The most dangerous thing in the world is a dwarf with a map and a mission.  
  
Whenever reviewing your lord's latest important orders, the most important ones will be illegible.  
  
The distance from one branch to another will always be one foot greater than your jumping range.  
  
When dealing with orcs it's physically impossible to carry too many weapons.  
  
Once you've attacked an orc troop, it's too late to wonder if this was a bad idea.  
  
Being shot hurts.  
  
Dwarf motto: If it makes sense, we won't do it.  
  
Always be aware of the source of incoming arrows and strange, unfamiliar noises. Failure to heed this commandment will adversely affect the morale of the entire troop.  
  
The amount of mistakes you make on the battlefield is directly proportional to the rank of the elf lord watching your every move.  
  
When gathering weapons for the big battle, you can get them CHEAP – FAST – IN GOOD CONDITION. Pick two. (this applies to everything)  
  
Weapons will be damaged in direct proportion to their value.  
  
The greater the value of the rug, the greater the chance that the dwarf will spill something on it.  
  
The ability of a dwarf to destroy something is in direct proportion to its value.  
  
No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string. Getting dwarves to follow simple instructions for example.  
  
If you are in enemy territory the most troubling phrase you can hear from the elf holding the map is "That's funny..."  
  
If you are in an enemy fortress the most troubling phrase you can hear from the elf holding the map is "That's funny..."  
  
The Law of Stupid Tricks: Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. (dwarves take note)  
  
Behind every little orc, there is a bigger orc, waiting for the little orc to get out of the way.  
  
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. (dwarves take note)  
  
When dealing with dwarves, the probability of something going wrong will be directly proportional to the square of the amount of inconvenience it will cause you or any other elf in the vicinity.  
  
Beware of elf lords who call you into their study, smile, and say "I have something very important for you to do." Be very, very afraid.  
  
The most annoying elf in the group will be the son of the elf lord.  
  
The most ominous phrase in warfare: "Uh oh"  
  
Words guaranteed to get even the most severely wounded elf on their feet and sprinting across the battlefield at top speed: Great Elbereth!!! What is THAT??? said in cadence to ground shaking footsteps.  
  
The most exciting words ever heard from a hobbit while trying to sneak past the enemy: "Oh sticklebats!! RUN!!"  
  
Elf lords tell you your armor works just to make you feel better.  
  
The bigger the orc, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.  
  
Smoke from the campfire, regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.  
  
Shatterproof armor isn't.  
  
Fights with orc scouts will always migrate from a place with few orcs to a place with many orcs.  
  
If you are standing in the geometric center of the Wild, a dwarf will still find you and start something.  
  
The number of days you have to go out on patrol is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.  
  
The most expensive and hard to find arrows will always land far past the target and into very thick, thorny bushes where you will never find them.  
  
If there are two or more ways to do something and one of those results in a catastrophe, then the elf lord's son will do it that way.  
  
Your grip on your friend's arm will be directly proportional to whatever is standing directly behind him.  
  
The size of your friend's eyes will be directly proportional to whatever is standing directly behind you. 


End file.
